Update #10

I am SO sick of this Michael Jackson business - can we get back to some REAL news? I agree with everything Bill O'Reilly says here - yes, I know that is astounding. For the first time since watching him in disgust, I really do agree with every word Bill says here...





Michael was going to die early because of the way he treated his body and his soul, I was not surprised to hear about his death. I was shocked for hearing it during my prom, but once it sunk in, I really was not upset or saddened. Call me insensitive, but I am not upset. His death does not eliminate his fantastic music which will be left for all of us to enjoy FOREVER. He is not a pillar for black america, that is a ridiculous statement and watching his "funeral" service was sickening. I literally stared at the television in dismay, staring at the media who brought him up, then brought him down with child molestation charges, and now talks about him as if he is the Messiah. We all live and we all die. When you reach 50, and you were a child star, chances are you're not going to come out with something to top your greatest hits. I don't feel happy or sad about his death - I simply do not care. I think we should all start to feel this way and start covering some real news, about real people who live in the real world and stop talking about a delusional man who never had the chance to grow up and get REAL.

-K xoxo

This March, Tim Burton takes us down the Rabbit Hole again!

Johnny Depp (Mad Hatter), Helena Bonham-Carter (The Red Queen), and Anne Hathaway (The White Queen) look stunning in these new photos from the upcoming bound-to-be-a-classic retelling of Alice in Wonderland, from the deviously talented Mr. Tim Burton himself. Another Depp/Burton team up - what more could a person ask for? Just a few of the fantastic actors filling out the rest of the cast are: Alan Rickman, Michael Sheen, Christopher Lee, Stephen Fry and Crispin Glover - just to name a few! If you're not grinning with excitement yet, I don't know what else to tell you except March 5, 2010 is far too long to wait!!

-K xoxo

Ben Foster finally gets the lead he deserves

-K xoxo

Unbreak broken? It won't happen.

Update #9

NAILS IN THE FENCE


There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him
a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must
hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had
driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned
to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually
dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to
drive those nails into the fence.
Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He
told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out
one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father
that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led
him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the
holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say
things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put
a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you
say I'm sorry, the wound is still there."
A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare
jewels, indeed! They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They
lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open
their hearts to us."
Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending
it back to the person who sent it to you. If it comes back to you, then
you'll know you have a circle of friends.
Just one more thing...

Please forgive me if I have ever left a hole in your fence!

I just received this message in an email. Well too bad for some friends of mine, I won't be the one celebrating. It seems that I will take a pass on this jubilant occasion to reflect on the past two weeks and the drama that has occurred over some high school drama that never should have happened. It never should have happened, but it did. Now I am left with, as the message says, a bunch of holes in my fence. There is a void that has been left in me and it has been growing since I first experienced being name-called in kindergarden. When I was young, I became a bully to deflect the hate onto someone else - to turn that huge finger pointing at my head onto another person. I can't point anymore fingers and since being called certain names more than once, it has officially gotten to me.

I cannot tell you how ecstatic I am that this part of my life is ending. I wish it wasn't ending on a bad note, but it is and as long as it is ending, I couldn't be bothered to care HOW it ends - it just better END, no matter what.

People afflicted with GBS should not have any stress in their lives, if they can help it, and I refuse to let another person drive another nail through my heart. I have spent nights agonizing over all the decisions I have made and come to the conclusion that no matter what I had done, someone would have been upset with me. So, as of today, I have decided that instead of changing like I so wish I could, I will stay the way I am. I will stay the way I am because as my mother reminds me, "True friends wouldn't do this to you" and the 'this' she is referring to is letting things get blown out of proportion until I don't even know which way is up anymore. Blown so out of proportion I am prepared to end friendships of almost a decade over something as small as this. Well, like the message says, I can't take another nail - as small as it may be. Certinaly not with GBS, either.

Over the years I have switched from bully, to victim - from follower to leader - in my 12 years of school and not one niche has suited me, yet. I hope university will introduce me to some people who I can relate to and who will appreciate me for the qualities that, I think (in most situations) are admirable. In high school, they are not so much appreciated. People would much rather I be boring, giddy and excited for no particular reason rather than be passionate, stubborn and fearless. In the end, I would much rather be hated for who I am, than loved for someone I'm not. Geez, it's not a wonder I would much rather hang out with a group of adults than attend a rave at a teen's house. Maybe I really am as bad as they say I am but I can't help but remind myself that some of the people I look up to most were never liked as a young adult either so maybe growing up will prove helpful to me. Maybe it won't and I will turn into a miserable workaholic like the rest of them but I am willing to take that chance. I am willing to do what I've always done and that is speak my mind and not hope that people agree, but hope that people can respect someone for their strength - not attack them for what they believe is a weakness. To all those people, I'll see you in a few years and you tell me then if being 'nice' served you well because I can predict right now that it won't. I can tell you that all those 'bitches' that you hate so much, myself included, grow up to be some of the happiest and most succesful women around. But maybe I've just been watching too much television...

-K xoxo

My Love Affair with Bill Maher

Update #8

I just finished watching Bill's documentary, "Religulous" for the third time and boy, do him and Larry Charles make a fantastic team! So, because I was reminded of my adoration for Bill and his unapologetic sense of humor, I looked him up! The most interesting thing came up and it's the picture that you're probably furrowing your eyebrows at right now. Apparently, he angrily refused to apologise for wearing a bloody Steve Irwin Halloween costume. Maher, speaking on his US TV talkshow, Real Time with Bill Maher, suggested Irwin may have been "doing something" to the stingray that killed him that he "shouldn't have been".

"Stop hassling me about my Halloween costume. Yes, you've seen it on the internet. I went as the Crocodile Hunter with a bloody stinger in my chest...People who really love animals understand if you get killed by one, chances are you were doing something to it you shouldn't have been...You want me to apologise for making a joke? Who do you think I am, John Kerry?"

And that, my friends, is why I love Bill Maher. Disagree with me on this one and say it was in bad taste but first of all, would you have had the guts to wear that costume - even if you secretly thought it was quite funny? I think not. Secondly, as so NOT-PC this costume was, you cannot deny the fact that, as usual, Bill has a point. Chances are, Irwin really was doing something he shouldn't have with the animal in the first place and remember, Maher is a comedian, not a politician. But alas, it's clear to me now that, ironically, the two men share(d?) one thing and that is a fearlessness (some would call it idiocracy) that I could only wish to have a shred of inside myself.

-K xoxo

An early look at 'Toy Story 3'

-K xoxo

Reflexes - who needs em?!

Update #7

As the saga of my health problems draws to a close, I can't help but feel a sense of relief over the fact that I had such a great doctor to begin with. Seriously, it becomes more and more clear each time my family and I visit with him that without him, my recovery would not have been so smooth - or quick! I was reminded of his greatness when we visited with him yesterday for (what we hope to be) the last time. I was told that I am "90% cured" and "on the road to normalcy" so YIPPEE! Secondly, I was told something else - not as "yippee" but equally interesting; I will never get my deep tendon reflexes back. I don't really feel either way about that one so I guess if I were to have any casualties to this thing, I would rather it be my reflexes than the motor nerves in my face! Another element to this appointment was this:

"To test how well your nerves transmit signals to muscles, doctors use a test called electromyography (EMG) and nerve conduction studies. Using small electrodes placed in and on the skin, the technician can measure the speed and strength of electrical messages being sent along the nerve. Nerves damaged by GBS conduct signals at a slower speed. "

The EMG was so awful, I would not recommend it. First of all, my lucky parents got to sit and chuckle as they watched their daughter flinch in pain as she got ZAPPED almost 100 times in various parts of her body at different voltage levels. Sometimes, these tests would go in a big surge of 8 zapS, each zap getting progessively stronger as we went along. The worst was the zap behind my knee...Lord, was that hellacious. The doctor had to hold my leg down so that I didn't smack him in the head but since I have no reflexes, it just sort of twitched but that twitch doesn't mean I didn't feel an intense pain for only a few seconds but man, that was a tough few seconds. On the plus side, I can now say I know what it feels like to get ZAPPED and I got to see what my signals look like on a monitor. My mother compared it to a Jackson Pollock painting...

It's quite fascinating, actually. Later, he stuck (more like shoved) a thick needle into the muscle of my hand and then hooked up all the red and blue wires. As I flexed my wrist a huge surge of colours flew across the screen and a big fuzzy noise (like when there's static on a telephone) blared out of the machine. It was really cool and made me realize all the work that my body does when I go to simply shake a persons hand or hold onto a cup of tea. Ahh, the human body...c'est un sorte de je ne sais quoi, non?

-K xoxo

Prop H8TE

Update #6

Dear 'Yes on 8' supporters,

Hey there. I’m going to go out on a limb here that most of you are feeling pretty proud of yourselves right now, patting each other on the back for your 'victory'. It must feel good to win, huh? God knows I would be proud too if I woke up to find that my vote had such an impact on thousands upon thousands of people. I must say, I’d be pretty elated over the defeat of the US’s strides for separation of church and state, the victory over the very things their fore fathers fought and died for –the things the United States was founded on. Yes, I have to say, I’d be pretty enthralled with myself for the devastation of an enormous group of people, but I’m not.

I’m not because I voted no to legal discrimination; no to the idea that a religiously founded belief and opinion should have any say in the legal constitution which rules over other people who may not have the same beliefs. I voted no because I felt there was a greater need for human equality and compassion than the whims of an organized religion that practices intolerance and promotes the sub-human treatment of a group of people. I voted no because I could not bring myself to believe in the hypocrisy of a love that would deny people fundamental rights supposedly granted to everyone.

But I suppose that doesn’t matter to you, does it?

Well I hope you’re happy with yourselves now. I hope you can look into the mirror and say how happy you are to emotionally devastate hundreds of thousands of people and their loved ones. I hope you can think about that and smile without flinching.

Take pride in being a bigot, because you are. Disagree? The definition of a bigot is a person who is utterly intolerant of any differing creed, belief, or opinion. Utterly intolerant, as in, so intolerant that you cannot stand to allow a marriage between two people you don’t even know who you don’t deem acceptable for your definition of marriage.

And maybe you don’t understand the weight of what you’ve done because you were taught to believe that being different is NOT ok. Or maybe because you never had to fight for the same rights as your neighbor, your fellow US citizen.. your fellow human being.

But that’s no excuse.

What you have done was hurtful and inexcusable. It was a choice based on unjust fear and selfishness. Fear of what you don’t understand and cannot relate to. Selfishness of worrying over what this means for you, what this might do to YOU or your soul instead of what this means for your fellow man and woman.

And don’t pretend this was for the children because 300 pediatricians told you otherwise. Because of your vote, children who are already being raised by gay parents now have their chance for an economically protected environment ruined. Children who had the chance to be adopted by gay married parents, who OBVIOUSLY wanted them more than their heterosexual birth counterparts, will now suffer as well.

And as for YOUR children…gay marriage was never going to be taught in schools and you knew it. The California super attendant for schools and the Teachers Associations told you so. This was never about church rights because everyone told you otherwise. In fact, just about every large newspaper, major company head, California leader as well our current (Obama) AND past (Clinton) US Presidents told you it was WRONG and you voted for it anyway.

This was never about anyone but you and your fear.

I have never seen a bigger hypocritical unprecedented discriminatory injustice short of the Rwanda genocide and the Hate crime killings in my time. I can only hope that another 50 years from now we will look back at this with the same disgust and shame as we do the seperation of blacks and whites in America.

And don’t try and console me with domestic partnership because it is NOT the same a marriage. The term “marriage” isn’t just some fluffy term for us to throw around and parade about. It comes with legal power that domestic partnerships don't have. Things like...A Domestic Partnership may be dissolved without court ruling under some circumstances. Federal tax returns filed separately. In a Domestic Partnership, you do not receive Social Security, veteran's benefits and pension plan survivor benefits upon death of partner. You're not guaranteed equal benefits from employers. Your insurance isn’t guaranteed to carry. You MUST share common residence. You're excluded from long-term care benefits. You're not guaranteed family leave to care for an ill partner.

Those are just to name a few of the things wrong with Domestic Partnership. Now, would YOU want a domestic partnership instead of a marriage? I think not.

Would you want to have to wait 7 years, in some cases, before you’re even granted these simple rights?

I’m going to take a stab at this and say you wouldn’t.

So, if you wouldn’t revoke your marriage for a domestic partnership (or take a domestic partnership instead of a marriage) then why would you demand that of anyone else? You should never ask someone to do something you, yourself, are not willing to do. But alas, that seems to be the 'American Way' these days what with people sending anyone other than themselves to fight their wars, lead their country, and to parent their children because they're too busy with their jobs and social lives to be selfless and less hypocritical.

That’s equality. Justice, liberty and freedom for ALL. Not a few.

How dare you spit in the face of that because of something you feel is a sin.

You want to know what REAL sin is? REAL sin is taking away someone’s free agency – their right to choose.

Gays have the right to every one of those marriage privileges as anyone else and it’s being taken away from them. Not because they committed a crime. Not because they gave up their own free agency, but because of their sexuality. Because of something so fundamentally apart of themselves that they cannot change it no matter what you say or do. No amount of therapy will change that.

This is human cruelty.

And don’t start your victory dance yet because while you may have succeeded in your cause, thus far, it is far from over. People will not lay down and go quietly when their basic rights are being threatened. People will not stand down when they have something as powerful as LOVE to fight for. And they WILL fight for it. And they WILL endure it and they WILL, in the end, out last you. Because their motive, my motive, is something humanity has been fighting for since its inception. And you cannot stop that.

So everyone, LGBT and allies, who believes what I believe, let’s fight together. Let’s fight for love.




-K xoxo

It's Wheezy, Baby!

Update #5

I just got in from a walk - I am exhausted. I had my iPod on (No Doubt - in lieu of the concert coming up, woot!) so I couldn't hear how loud I was breathing. Once I took my earbuds out I could hear how laboured my breaths were and the slight "wheezing" noise I would make as I breathed in. Yesterday I had begun developing a slight cough and I don't know if it's the humudity or what, but my breathing seems to get more and more difficult each day. That's quite frustrating, but I'm hoping it's just the weather and me being cooped up in a bedroom full of crap that the dust just loves to cling to. As well, I've noticed that when I sit for long periods of time I feel fine, minus the hands going quite cold in certain positions, I feel fine and actually quite energetic. Once I stand up though, I get the wobbly legs and light-headedness. I've noticed that when I am walking, and at no other time, there is a sharp "twang" of pain that runs straight to my fingertips when I stretch them out in a big "high 5" sort of pose. I do this to get the blood flowing through my hands and feet because if I just let them sit there completely immobile, they would just be tingly and cold all the time, which isn't any fun! So that's somewhat frustrating as well because although it's good for me to walk (doc says I should go for three short walks a day), it turns into this vicious cycle where my hands are actually in pain (only when I move them) and I'm gasping for air after only a short walk up the street. If I don't walk, though, I get very stiff and I have a much higher risk of getting a blood clot which would really not be a great thing to go through at this point. So, as you can see, the vicious cycle continues each day and I hope to be off the steroids tomorrow so that will definitly help with my sleeping problems, too!

Tomorrow, I will be meeting with the neurologist in his office so he can hook be up to some wacky electrode things that will read my brainwaves and let him know if all the signals are being sent back and forth like they should be. Clearly, not all are being sent to the motor nerves since I have had pins and needles in my hands and feet for three weeks, but this will give him a better idea of what exactly we're lookin' at here! That sounds like a lot of fun and I'm just glad that this is probably the last test that I will need for a long time, unless something changes *knock on wood* !

Finally, I got the loveliest card from the students in my french class and (thanks a lot) it made me laugh and cry all at once. Even though I am leaps and bounds better, I get mail and gifts brought home from my dad almost every day and I just have to say thanks again because it means the world to me. Next week I will be going into the school for the first time in almost a month and so I'm very anxious but it must be done. The breathing problems, the shakes - it's all frustrating, but no matter how hard I try and hide it I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with that fact that I might be a trainwreck for the next few months. Dealing with it on my own at home is frustrating enough but I know when I see people in such a fast-paced environment I will get overwhelmed and embarrassed. I have already had my share of nervous breakdowns at various public events in the past few weeks so I doubt it will happen again but I just can't help but feel embarrassed for the lack of control that I have over my body right now and the paranoia I feel concerning a relapse, which, according to the doctor, would be A LOT worse if it ever did happen. Yes, I know my friends don't think I look bad, or pitiful or whatever I may feel like, but i can't help but feel the way I feel! I struggled to hide my tremors at last weeks Dance Recital and I am embarrassed to laugh and smile because I can feel that my face isn't doing what it should. I am so thankful for the cards and the gifts because they remind me not only what great friends I have, but what great peers I have. Thank you for your continued support and I hope to see all of you at prom - Carpé Diem!

-K xoxo

Girl, Disrupted

Update #4

The problem with going underwater is the resurfacing process. It's the kicking for the surface, flailing your arms out in front of you and reaching for contact. It's the coming up for air and screaming at the top of your lungs, 'I'm still here!' Dear readers, this is not a pity party, nor is it something that will go away anytime soon and therefore, not to be taken lightly. This, ladies & germs, is the ridiculous account of my life over this past month. If you have been wondering where I've been, you are about to read of the sick fate and twisted karma that has afflicted me for the few weeks. So sit back, relax, and prepare to read not a facebook status change, not a text from a friend, not a blurb on wikipedia - just me. This is my account of things, from beginning to end, and all the fun stuff in between. Hopefully, this will reassure those who are far too concerned, and inform those who have been ill-advised on my condition as of late.

On the weekend of May the 2nd, my mother and I ended up at the walk-in clinic complaining of pain behind my eyes, photosensitivity (sensitivity to the light), and clear discharge from the eyes a few days prior to our visit to the clinic. As well, leading up to this visit I had been experiencing extreme fatigue, fluctuations in temperature and dizzy spells that at this point, I had attributed to the stress of school, work, etc. I had a constant pulsing in my head and pain behind my ears. After waiting for three hours amongst possible H1N1 cases (remember, this hysteria was just coming about as I was becoming sick so we were slightly paranoid, understandably), we were finally seen by a lovely little British woman who happened to be an emerg doctor most days. After informing her of the symptoms just listed, she was positive that it was not pink-eye (I had not irritation or redness in my eyes) and that we should go straight to emergency because the pain behind the eyes was very disconcerning to her. Apparently, there was a machine there that could look into my eyes and in order to properly diagnose the problem, I would need to use this machine. Meanwhile, I had developed a slight fever and a rash from rubbing my face (out of stress, fatigue, waiting for three hours, etc.) so after going home for an hour or so just to get something to eat, my mother and I headed back out to the Milton Hospital to wait for another six hours. Finally, we saw a female doctor who seemed, of course, in a bit of a rush. She quickly diagnosed me with 'just an eye infection' and I was given Sandoz Gentamicin antibiotic eye ointment. I was to put this goop directly into my eyes three times a day for a week. Problem was, this goop was so thick that I had to put it on my finger first, then rub it directly onto my eye which, I think, wouldn't be all to sanitary or helpful whatsoever. Days passed and ever so slowly, the eye problem started to clear up but I still had extreme fatigue and just an overall sense of being unwell...

Monday May 4th I stayed up until 4am doing some god-awful school project (this is not something new for me) and of course, I continued to feel ill but once again, attributed it to the horrible way that I treat my body and mind for the betterment of my grades! The next day, the shit had hitteth the fan...I woke up and literally did not want to leave my bed for fear of vomiting on my bedroom floor. My feet were freezing, I had shortness of breath, sweating fits and an overall sense of paranoia. I would attempt to distract myself with a movie, but not really because my mind seemed to be in another dimension. I would get up and walk to the sink, start pacing furiously and sweating more than I've ever sweated before (FYI, I rarely get sick and when I do, it's more of a 24-hour-flu type thing) and then vomit! I vomited twice that day but in the afternoon, once my parents came home from work, I truly felt like I was on the mend and that I had gotten it all out of my system. Apparently not, because when my mom managed to get an appointment with my family doctor (Dr. Watada) that same day at around 4pm, I was diagnosed with 'a really bad flu' and told to go home, all the while feeling nauseous...still. Again, I didn't think I would throw up for a third time because I figured it was the stimulation of driving around in a car and being in a doctor's office that made me so sickly feeling. On the way home my mom had to stop and get some Gatorade and a prescription for me so as I waited in the car, listening to Beyoncé's 'Halo' I believe (good song, check it out!), I started shaking, sweating, the whole shebang. Long story short, I threw up in the Shoppers parking lot and had to watch in horror as some poor guy almost stepped into it as he exited his Jeep and shouted "WHAT THE?!" ...you're allowed to laugh at this part, I know I have =]

Wednesday May 6th I continued to have nausea but for the life of me couldn't vomit even though I desperately wanted to (you know the feeling). I had waves (see my water theme here?) of flu-like symptoms, anxiousness and severe leg pain. At this point, I literally had to hold onto the railing with both hands in order to climb a flight of stairs. Same goes for getting up or down from anything, even a chair, couch, toilet...you get the point. I had never felt so weak in my life and the pain in my legs felt like something I've previously experienced when I've worked my muscles too hard at a basketball practice. You see, this is where the 'weird non-flu-like symptoms' began. You would think, and so did the doctors, that if a person had the flu and was experiencing pain it would be a sort of aching in the 'bones' - not a muscular strain. Alas, that is what I was experiencing and it continued, along with terrible back and neck pain, for days after. Again and again, I just kept attributing it all to the fact that I was either lying down or sitting so "of course" my muscles weren't getting the proper excercise they were used to or needed. Oh, how very very wrong I was...

Thursday May 7th the nausea finally subsided but the back pain increased, especially in the neck and shoulder area, sometimes in the lower back. I began to notice some more strange symptoms such as numbness in my feet and I had literally no sensitivity in my toes. My hands and fingertips were tingly and they felt 'cold' all the time. Lastly, I also started to experience a rather annoying symptom which was numbness in (of all parts) my ass! Which is so not cool when it comes to all things hygeine related (i'm sure you can fill in the blanks yourselves..) and this numbness was also frustrating to deal with when walking. You may not realize it now, but if you can't feel your ass while your walking, it's very difficult to do! So I had to walk very slowly, with not the greatest balance because of the whole feet debacle and as you can see, things were getting stranger and stranger as the days went on but, being my stubborn self, I decided to press on and go to school the next day!

Friday May 8th (I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS ONLY TWO WEEKS FROM TODAY) As per usual, the morning was difficult and although I took forever to get dressed and to even get out of the car, I just kept telling myself that it was good for me to get out of the house and move my body and keep that blood flowing! Sadly, by period two (French), I had become very paranoid, shaky, and hot as Hell with difficulty concentrating and very poor balance. Getting up the stairs to my next class, Art, was atrocious and embarrassing because, on the outside, I looked totally fine. On the inside, I was screaming. So, to an onlooker, I must have looked pretty silly struggling up those stairs that I would normally bound up! Trooper that I am, I made it through all three periods and then went out to lunch with some friends, hoping that some food would make me feel better because I was feeling very faint. In the car, I noticed that any loud noises (a friends laugh, music, etc.) would really bother me and it wasn't really a pain in my ear, more of a feeling like being underwater. I ignored it and ate some lovely soup and a bagel from good ole Timmies but still, I had this nagging feeling that something wasn't quite right. I had been very thirsty all day with shortness of breath and by the end of the day, I just wanted to curl up and call it quits. Although I, being the stubborn and proud gal that I am didn't complain to my parents about the worsening symptoms and mentally willed myself into going to work that night for my scheduled shift of 4-9pm. That was a terrible idea, of course, and I was exhausted and dizzy. I eventually had to leave early because I felt as if I was going to faint right there in the video store! Of course, my mom and I decided it was best for me to just scrap doing any homework and go straight to bed. Once again, I couldn't sleep for more than an hour at a time because the back pain and sweaty fits of paranoia seem to set in whenever they pleased. It also didn't get any better as the days went on because simply trying to straighten my back in a chair (in the hopes that better posture would help) was far too painful and I would have a searing pain run from my tailbone to my neck if I ever tried to sit properly!

Saturday May 9th (DOOMSDAY) On this terrible day, only a week after this whole fiasco began, I awoke (at 5am since that's as long as I could sleep) to discover that the entire left side of my face was paralyzed. After some convincing, my mom took me to emerg and cancelled my parent's plans to travel to Ottawa for a friends 50th birthday party. Feeling awful for canceling their plans and (from the expression on my mothers face) obviously inconveniencing their lives so terribly (because I did this on purpose, right?) it was really not helping my condition. Again, we waited six hours. We saw the same doctor as a few nights before and I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy (think Jean Chrétien) and sent home with steroids (Pretazone) that I couldn't take properly anyways since I can't swallow pills! ZUT ALORS! Never have, probably never will, doc says! At this point, I literally could not close my left eye all the way so I was forced to put some more goop in my eye at night so that my corneas didn't dry out in my sleep and leave me blind in one eye! How pleasant! My mouth drooped on one side, I spoke funny - I couldn't even SAY Bell's Palsy because it had B's and P's in it (sorta like the whole 'lissssp' thing). My eyes watered constantly so reading books, watching television or anything to occupy me since I couldn't do much else was also rendered completely pointless. To think, just the day before I had been out to lunch, laughing with friends and hobbling up the stairs. In a matter of hours my whole life had been turned upside down and I was a nervous wreck prone to crying fits (only to myself, of course) and shakes. I quite honestly didn't know what to do with myself. The whole experience has been surreal, to say the least. Later, I began to notice my other symptoms getting progressively worse. My feet, legs and arms were getting colder and losing more and more sensitivity...

Sunday May 10th, my entire mouth was affected and so was my right eye. This was SO not cool and SO not Bell's Palsy. The paralysis had spread to my entire face and I couldn't move it at all really except to chew I could move my jaw up and down and so forth. I could attempt to close my eyes but really, that's about it. Even my tongue was affected, leaving the whole eating process to come to a grinding halt since I couldn't taste much or close my mouth at all! I had to cut up everything very small, lettuce and the like were no-nos, and liquids were SUPER FUN because I had to keep one hand below my big fat bottom lip so that I could close my mouth because if not, it would all just dribble out. I kid you not, I felt like one of the elderly patients I cared for in Allendale. I couldn't even drink from a straw because my mouth would not close. This left my parched all the time, which of course, made it difficult to sleep when you awake each hour gasping for a drink of water that you can't even drink properly! At this point, it had only been 24 hours with the 'unknown disease' but I felt like I was living a Hell all my own for an eteeeernity. By Sunday, I literally felt like my life had come to a complete halt. It took my minutes to get up stairs to simply use the bathroom. I couldn't brush my teeth properly because my lips were in the way and I had no control over my mouth so spitting out the awful tasting toothpaste was a no-go. Food tasted horrible because I could only use half of my taste buds so some things were saltier than usual, etc. As I stated earlier, bathroom visits were difficult and tiresome. I dropped plates because I couldn't hold them anymore - that's how weak I was. As I sat and watched my family eat their dinner, I stayed a half hour later to finish my mushed up meal that didn't even taste like real food anyways! I tried to continue to read Hamlet, to no avail because my eyes would well up from not being closed for so long. I could go on but as you can see, every little thing that I never thought twice about before, became a total chore and that is why those few days of Hell literally felt like forever and a day.

Monday May 11, I finally got to see a neurologist (Dr. Marchetti) who presented a completely new perspective. He informed my mom and I of something called Guillain-Barré Syndrome. Here I was, thinking extreme Bell's Palsy, possible brain tumor and pinched nerves, and this guy goes and tells me of this rare disease that affects ONE in every ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND. Basically, GBS is an auto-immune disease of the motor nerves, usually triggered by a virus and even stress (GO FIGURE!). Surprisingly, the wikipedia definition of it is almost exactly what the neurologist defined it as so I do advise you to consult that source if you have any questions about it. For example, the following excerpt is exactly what I experienced and still am experiencing:

"Usually exhibits as an ascending paralysis noted by weakness in the legs that spreads to the upper limbs and the face along with complete loss of deep tendon reflexes"

Seriously, when the doctor hits me with his little 'hammer' on my knees and funny bone there is not even a flicker of movement. That part scares me but it's a part of the disease so hopefully 'this, too, shall pass' ! In extreme cases, people have been put on ventilators, in wheelchairs, etc. because their motor nerves are so unresponsive that they can't even do simple things like breathing. Thankfully, I have my age going for me and although I have trouble breathing more than I used to, it is highly unlikely that this will worsen. Now, people CAN relapse and I am very paranoid of that because honestly, I don't know if I could go through that facial paralysis again but my face is (almost) back to normal so I'm hoping that that's a sign of a speedy recovery! This disease can last as little as weeks and as long as years. I'm thinking mine will be something like months since.. it's almost been a month and I'm just starting to get over some of the symptoms. I am gradually being taken off the steroids (which I thankfully got to take in a liquid form - YIPPEE) so hopefully after I stop taking the steroids (to decrease the swelling of the nerves) they don't swell AGAIN and it all comes full circle. Seriously, how awful would that be? Keep sending those good vibes because I would prefer to keep smiling properly! That is worse case scenario and I have prepared myself for that but honestly, I doubt that will happen. More good news: the MRI (terrifying, avoid at all costs) came back clear and so did the blood tests and xrays so no, I do not have a tumor! The Spinal Tap that I just had this week is to confirm this diagnosis of GBS because the proteins in the spinal fluid extracted will tell us for sure that that's what I have but at this point.. it's pretty much a certainty. I am glad that we have a very thorough doctor and although I'm sick of the tests, I am so thankful for all the investigating he's been doing because he is determined to figure out where the heck this all came from and how to prevent it from happening again!

Wednesday, May 13 I had a Spinal Tap (Lumbar puncture). For those who don't know what that is...

In summation, I want you all to know that I love you all dearly and appreciate all the support. You seriously have no idea how much it means and as stressed as I am, your short messages and visits make me so happy and give me a reason to keep on pushing to get better. I posted this in the hopes that people would read this and finally know "What's wrong with Katie?!" and to be assured that I am trying my best to do as much as I can since I'm not bedridden like some other people afflicted with this disease. I am so very thankful that this is it in it's weakest form and even then, as you can see, I feel like I've been through Hell and back in just a few short weeks! The letters from other grade 12 girls in my mom's art class brought tears to my eyes and the lunchtime visits from close friends are so nice and heartfelt I am overcome with joy. I feel like I am in a very difficult situation with such an unknown and confusing disease that it's hard to explain to people without freaking them out or confusing them. Hey, it's even confusing to me because it changes day by day! To some, this disease may sound very serious and life-threating, but to others, they don't fully understand the complexity of it. Clearly, I've tried my best to explain it to everyone in a way that is concise and in proper English, but also detailed enough for those of you who wish to know more! I hope this was helpful and I am glad to have gotten this all off my chest. This illness has reminded me of the fact that I have some of the greatest friends a person could ask for and that, cheesy as it sounds, Milton District High School is one of the greatest schools there is with such a caring and unified student body. Honestly, I have received messages and heard of people asking about me at school from people that I never thought would show an interest in me and it really does touch me. I don't want you all to get too worried, but I do need you to understand that I could have this for a looong time and that just means that I might not play sports with you, I might not carry that heavy laptop case to school anymore (BONUS!?) and you might just have to watch me a little closer when we go for walks because right now, the biggest thing affecting me is the weakness and fatigue. Unless I relapse, things can only go up from here. I know most of you think I'm a pessimistic, opinionated biatchhhh, but I hope you know I have just as big a heart as any of you. Only my close friends know how many times I cry in movies. It takes a lot more for me to cry over real life situations. It's sad, but I really do live in the world of the movies sometimes and sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes it's a bad thing. I like to think that I'm mature enough to know the difference between to two and that art really does immitate life. I cried last night (OMG) when my mom showed me the origami flowers, birds and cards that these girls had made for me in her art class. Girls who have never met me broke into tears just thinking of how awful this is to happen to someone in grade 12 because HELLO! It's prom, it's university, it's EVERYTHING. Honestly, this is the world telling me that working 4 shifts a week, late nights, not being as active as I used to be, is NOT GOOD! This is a reminder to all of you.. listen to your body when something just doesn't feel right and never stop investigating it further. For all I knew, I had the flu a few weeks ago!

If you have lasted this far, I give you a gold star for sheer effort! As of today, Friday May 22nd, I have pledged to myself that no matter what happens, I'm not going to let this idiotic disease change my life more than it already has. I have already missed weeks of valuable school that I will never regain. I have missed work shifts that I, quite honestly, will miss. I love my job and the people I work with, which is probably why devoting more time to my job than my health became such an issue in the end. I have lost valuable time with friends going out to lunch, parties and the like (maybe not such a bad thing, haha). I feel as if I have missed out on so much but really.. maybe it's not so much at all. Maybe, I'll go back and everything will be as it was. Sadly, I don't think that will happen. I would like to think that things can go back to the way they were but with only a month left of school, our final year together, and all the things that come with that final month, I feel as if this disease has just squandered any hopes I had for my final year. It has eaten up all the time I wanted to devote to my art summative - something I had been looking forward to for four years. You didn't think I did those murals for nothing did you? No, I wanted to leave my mark at the school that I grew up in, literally. So why shouldn't I want to finish off my final year with a bang?! It has eaten up the time that it takes to decide about all things prom-related and it has even made me doubt bigger things like my future at Queens University. This illness has made me think about so many things and I know that stress is not a good thing, but how can I not stress? How can I not lie awake in my bed at night and ponder what I missed at school that day, what funny joke did someone say, what university did my friend get accepted to, who is the guy I like going to take to prom instead of me? How can I NOT think of these things? Even if I wasn't sick and isolated in this big ole' house all by my lonesone for the better part of the day I would probably still think these things but if I was healthy, the thoughts and questions wouldn't go unanswered. They would be resolved the next day at school, at work, at the movies, at the concert, etc. I realize my life hasn't come to a complete end but there are moments when I'm just sitting alone in my bedroom and it really feels like it's passing me by. I'm sure you all feel the same and just imagine that feeling along with an illness. Trust me, it's ten times worse because in my case, there's nothing I can do to change it. In yours, you can. Before this, I really was trying to do better, trying to get those grades up, trying to improve my relationships, trying to work less at my job and more on myself. I really was trying and it's all this effort into completely pointless and trivial things that I quite honestly believe made me sick in the first place. It wouldn't surprise me in the least if next Thursday, when I meet with Dr. Marchetti for the final time to discuss my 'plans for recovery' that he tells me that all of this was brought on by my own stressed-out mind and ridiculous priorities.

Regarding school, yes, I do hope to come back. No, I will not be there for an entire day ever again and no, I will not do the same projects, if any, ever again. No, I am not participating in exams because exams are written with the idea in mind that if you attend the classes, you will succeed in the exam. If I haven't been attending classes (skipping or sick) then how can I be expected to succeed in an exam? This is saddening to me and I am severely disapointed in myself. On the one hand, I realize that it would be impossible for me to pass an exam at this point, but on the other, I can't help but want to be the best I can be. It's in my competitive nature and it always has been, especially at a school like MDHS which has always strived for excellence. Because of my prideful nature, I will try to accomplish one assignment for each class in the hopes that although my teachers assure me they need nothing more from me since they can decide on an adequate mark based on my other projects, I will do these things for myself. I will do it for my own sanity and sense of accomplishment. I will try to do the art summative, I will try to do something on Hamlet (not the best play to read when you're depressed), I will try to do a French essay on existentialism (again.. not the best topic right now), and I will try to visit the kids wou I grew to sort of enjoy in the Grade 10 English class I was helping out in. I will try all these things but everything for me moves in slow motion these days so although I'm optimistic, it may not all get done. My family and friends say that doesn't matter but damnit it does to me! It does fucking matter to me! I am so ANGRY about this. Quite frankly, it is the perfect emotion to describe how i feel when you ask me how I am. I just want to SCREAM! I could just break a million more plates (I've already broken two, remember?) if I only had the energy to lift them! So you see, I am being positive, but not without frustration and anger over this whole debacle. Honestly, if I was religious, I would tell myself that this is God punishing me for not listening to my inner self and pushing myself too hard. This is God telling me that I need to go through something as shitty and brutal as this in order to prepare myself for the shit to come. I just keep telling myself that. Things can only get better from here and we all know once I begin university and my adult life in general, I am positive that this minor occurance will be nothing in comparison to the hardship and struggles to come. So, alas, maybe this will turn out to be a good thing. For now, it just seems like a really shitty hand to get dealt. I was never good at card games anyways...

Some of you have seen me at my worst, dribbling Ginger Ale out the side of my mouth as I desperately try to eat just like you. Some of you haven't seen me at all. You all hold a special place in my heart and you all are taking the news of this differently, and that's totally fine. I realize for those of you who saw me at my worst, it must have been difficult to keep a straight face and tell me it was going to be okay. For your efforts, I thank you so very much and for those who haven't seen me at all, I thank you just the same because I realize the difficulty of hearing about a friend getting sick and not being able to do anything about it or to even see what facial paralysis looks like. It's just as hard for you as it is for the people who have visited me these last few weeks. Please, don't get worked up over this or think that my life has come to an end. For a week there, it really felt like it had and there will always be days that are not as great as others, today being one of them, but rest assured that I will feel better if I know that you guys are all going about your lives just the same as before because you've still got school to worry about! Any effort to contact me is appreciated and the support has improved my health ten times over and I couldn't ask for more other than your continued understanding of my ever-changing situation. I feel different each day and the doctor is being very optimistic. No worries, just biting realities, is what I keep telling myself.

(Last one, I swear) So, it seems that I have gone from almost-vegetable to weakened-invalid. I have gone from total hysteria over not knowing what the hell is wrong with me, to a slow comfort in knowing what I have and dealing with the difficulties to come. These last few weeks have been eventful, to say the least, but I can't help but feel completely out of it when it comes to realizing what the hell has just happened to me. It was a complete whirlwind and it still baffles me. The reason this post is so long is partly because of this confusion and amazement that I still feel regarding my health. How are you supposed to feel when you're told that you have a disease that has no specific expiry date? How are you supposed to feel when the rest of your friends move on with their lives as you sit at home wallowing the days away on your laptop, staring at the screen in dismay as you see life pass you by? How are you supposed to feel when you younger brother is graduating middle school and has been put completely on the back-burner while your ailing grandparents and yourself are pushed to the forefront of your parents priorities? How are you supposed to feel when people you don't even know are asking about you and people you thought would ask, never did? Well, I guess you just feel...a stillness. Right now, I feel a complete stillness with what's happening. I have stopped trying to rush things and do it at a pace that suits me. I have seen the intolerable cruelty that illness can do to a person's psyche and I've also experienced the redemptive power of hope. You may say I'm over-dramatic, cheesy, and naive, but to you, I say this: Until you go through the hurdles of sickness and health, the not-knowing, the depression, the pain, the weakness, you can't possibly comprehend what something as small as a misdiagnosed flu can do to a person. What I'm trying to say is...I can, and will, get over the physical side of this. The mental side, I have no idea what will happen. I have always been an over-analytical person (clearly) and so when something like this happens to other people, I get involved. Now that it's happening to me, you can imagine the brainwaves swimming through my head these past few weeks. I've learned that it's not the drowning in your disease that's hard, it's the struggle to keep yourself afloat and staying there. I know that life has harder knocks to come, I'm a realist and I know this much to be true. I know that a year from now, this will (hopefully) never cross my mind ever again. For now, I've just gotta get myself on a big plane, let go of the ledge and free-fall towards a mysterious and, ultimately, better tomorrow. So yes, I am going to be happy, but hell if I'm gunna force it! So thank you and congratulations for putting up with my madness...the method is yet to be discovered. Mostly, I've learned to accept what people offer. Drink their milkshakes, if you will. Take their love. Welcome to the summer of my amazing luck!

-K xoxo

"Jimmy's Believe It Or Not!"

Update #3

THIS: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0492445/ excites me!

-K xoxo

Little Ashes, Big Lapses (in judgement)

Update #2

Just when I thought I hated Robert Pattinson and his entire Twilight-saga, I actually begin to blush a wee bit everytime I see a picture of him! Why this sudden change of heart? Well, it could be due to a number of things..one of them being the constant watching of Twilight while at work since the boss seems to enjoy it so much. It could also be the fact that these pictures (and the cute lil kissing scene floating around on the net) are making me think that he really could do Salvador Dali justice! In his new film, Little Ashes, I am hoping that he puts just as much effort into channeling the master of surrealism as he did into becoming an insufferable vampire. Let's be honest here, he was the only one (besides the odd minor character) that put a little effort into his performance...however fleeting and comical it may have been. Soooo, without further ado, here are some shots for your viewing pleasure!

-K xoxo

I Know this much is True

Update #1

If you couldn't tell by the lack of posts and such, I'm new at this. However, I am not new to the process of creative writing, ranting, lurking and the like. Hopefully I haven't lost your interest already. Basically, I'm sick of ranting to friends and updating my facebook notes constantly so that's why I started a blog - something I have wanted to do for years now but never gotten the hutspah! So shoot me. Perhaps if I list a few of the rules that I live by, maybe then you will get a better sense of who I am and ultimately, if you wish to keep tuning in to these "updates" of mine...

1. Never stop thinking. You're mind is there for a reason and it is the most important tool you have - use it, or it will atrophy. Question everything.

2. Don't worry. If you worry about getting a pimple, you'll get a fucking pimple.

3. Have no fear. You shouldn't be afraid of reality.

4. Everyone is a hypocrite, just try your best not to be one all the time.

5. Stop rushing.

6. Don't let yourself be taught a religion - find it.

7. Talk to yourself - it's healthy. Who else do you have more in common with?

8. It's not half empty or half full. It's half a glass.

9. Try, because at least you'll always succeed in that.

10. Don't take anything, even this, too seriously.

So there you have it, some words that I try to live my life by and quite honestly, fail to do so very often. But hey, nobody's perfect and I hope to prove that in this blog of mine. Here, you will find an assortement of tasty treats that suit my interests and maybe even yours! Things like: movie reviews, creative writing, rants concerning politics, media, religion and anything controversial really. You will also find cheery things like upcoming Hollywood Hot Topics, random facts that I feel the need to share, and maybe even some little tidbits about my young adult life à-la fmylife.com. So, if you're still with me at this point...Congrats! and thanks for accompanying me on this whirlwind adventure. Down the rabbit hole...

-K xoxo

My Condolences...

Dear Reader,

If you are reading this right now, I only have one thing to say to you and that is...Thanks!

-K xoxo