It's Wheezy, Baby!

Update #5

I just got in from a walk - I am exhausted. I had my iPod on (No Doubt - in lieu of the concert coming up, woot!) so I couldn't hear how loud I was breathing. Once I took my earbuds out I could hear how laboured my breaths were and the slight "wheezing" noise I would make as I breathed in. Yesterday I had begun developing a slight cough and I don't know if it's the humudity or what, but my breathing seems to get more and more difficult each day. That's quite frustrating, but I'm hoping it's just the weather and me being cooped up in a bedroom full of crap that the dust just loves to cling to. As well, I've noticed that when I sit for long periods of time I feel fine, minus the hands going quite cold in certain positions, I feel fine and actually quite energetic. Once I stand up though, I get the wobbly legs and light-headedness. I've noticed that when I am walking, and at no other time, there is a sharp "twang" of pain that runs straight to my fingertips when I stretch them out in a big "high 5" sort of pose. I do this to get the blood flowing through my hands and feet because if I just let them sit there completely immobile, they would just be tingly and cold all the time, which isn't any fun! So that's somewhat frustrating as well because although it's good for me to walk (doc says I should go for three short walks a day), it turns into this vicious cycle where my hands are actually in pain (only when I move them) and I'm gasping for air after only a short walk up the street. If I don't walk, though, I get very stiff and I have a much higher risk of getting a blood clot which would really not be a great thing to go through at this point. So, as you can see, the vicious cycle continues each day and I hope to be off the steroids tomorrow so that will definitly help with my sleeping problems, too!

Tomorrow, I will be meeting with the neurologist in his office so he can hook be up to some wacky electrode things that will read my brainwaves and let him know if all the signals are being sent back and forth like they should be. Clearly, not all are being sent to the motor nerves since I have had pins and needles in my hands and feet for three weeks, but this will give him a better idea of what exactly we're lookin' at here! That sounds like a lot of fun and I'm just glad that this is probably the last test that I will need for a long time, unless something changes *knock on wood* !

Finally, I got the loveliest card from the students in my french class and (thanks a lot) it made me laugh and cry all at once. Even though I am leaps and bounds better, I get mail and gifts brought home from my dad almost every day and I just have to say thanks again because it means the world to me. Next week I will be going into the school for the first time in almost a month and so I'm very anxious but it must be done. The breathing problems, the shakes - it's all frustrating, but no matter how hard I try and hide it I'm just going to have to suck it up and deal with that fact that I might be a trainwreck for the next few months. Dealing with it on my own at home is frustrating enough but I know when I see people in such a fast-paced environment I will get overwhelmed and embarrassed. I have already had my share of nervous breakdowns at various public events in the past few weeks so I doubt it will happen again but I just can't help but feel embarrassed for the lack of control that I have over my body right now and the paranoia I feel concerning a relapse, which, according to the doctor, would be A LOT worse if it ever did happen. Yes, I know my friends don't think I look bad, or pitiful or whatever I may feel like, but i can't help but feel the way I feel! I struggled to hide my tremors at last weeks Dance Recital and I am embarrassed to laugh and smile because I can feel that my face isn't doing what it should. I am so thankful for the cards and the gifts because they remind me not only what great friends I have, but what great peers I have. Thank you for your continued support and I hope to see all of you at prom - Carpé Diem!

-K xoxo